[NOTE TO DRAFT: Insert standard “sorry for not writing for so long + the halfhearted promise to be better about it with the full knowledge that you won’t be better about it” here.]
Santa Ono has been the President of the University of Michigan since July of 2022. In that time, I think the general community sentiment about Ono has been mostly positive. He’s put a positive, energetic face on the University, and his overall message has been clear: “the University of Michigan is on the cutting edge of science, technology, and the arts, we stand poised to lead America into a brave new age, and we are in no way involved in the occult.”
Until now. Because on Tuesday he said this.
Now I have a lot of questions. They are, in no particular order:
Wait what.
I know you said that a half a million is “the largest collection in the world,” but by how much? Because if the #2 collection has 450,000 specimens, that’s awesome, you’re the best, good for you. But if #2 is at, like, 200 frogs and a couple of salamanders, Michigan’s collection starts to look weird.
When someone comes to you and says, “I would like to offer you these THIRTY THOUSAND SNAKES,” what is the appropriate response? Is there any (no pun intended) vetting process? Or do you just figure that whoever is in possession of the thirty thousand snakes came by them in the correct ways?
What is the correct way by to come by thirty thousand snakes?
Do people ever just drop by with donations? And do you give them a receipt for tax purposes? If not, people who itemize are gonna start taking their lizards to Goodwill.
Has someone ever brought you a cool-ass looking snake that you’ve never seen before, and you’ve had to “call in a buddy of mine” like on Pawn Stars?
What kind of organizational system do you use? Are they stored alphabetically? By size? Or is there some sort of Dewey Decimal System for reptiles and amphibians? And how intuitive is it? If I asked you right now to “go grab me a arthroleptidae,” would you be able to do it instantly, or would you have to thumb through the card catalogue?
Do you have a backup generator for the A/C in the Half A Million Snakes Center? Yes, I know they’re preserved. But if we have a significant power outage in the summer, I don’t really want to know what happens.
Do these specimens serve as a currency of sorts between universities? Like the gold coins from the John Wick universe, where you just drop down a jar of pickled newt and the concierge has to give you as many new textbooks as you want? Or is it like Challenge Coins in the military, where whichever university president has the largest collection doesn’t have to buy drinks?
Be honest: how many of these species just suck? You know, the samples that you would totally chuck and no one would miss them, except (a) they count towards the big shiny total, and (b) you can’t get rid of them because what if the guy who gave you the garter snakes comes to visit and asks you about the garter snakes but you Marie Kondo’d those sumbitches years ago.
As pointed out by Brendan Roose on Twitter, “The ‘research’ qualifier here implies the existence of a larger collection of snakes for purposes other than research.” What is the ACTUAL largest collection?
What is the dynamic like for the use of the employee break room fridge? Is there a strict “for the last time, no goddang snakes in the crisper” rule? And does everyone abide by that rule?
The Museum of Zoology website has a loan agreement whereby one can borrow these samples for up to six months. It says you only loan them to “regular staff members of research institutions,” so my question is, how many snakes has Greg Schiano borrowed?
Is there a lot of tension between the reptile/amphibian collection people and the mollusk collection people? And is it good natured, or has HR ever had to get involved?
Has an actual live frog or lizard ever wandered through an open door and found itself in The Room? And what was its reaction? Do you think any of its buddies believed him when he told them what he saw?
I have many, many more questions. But for the moment, I’ll settle for these answers.
I think you buried the lede. These snakes are preserved in ALCOHOL, not embalming fluid. They’re not dead, they’re partying. Of course, that means we need to know a few things:
1. Are they stored in a place where nothing important can be harmed, like Antarctica or Columbus?
2. Have fraternity members broken in to steal said alcohol? Do the snakes kill therm, make them slaves, or perhaps play flip cup with them?
3. Are the snakes good at flip cup?