The year 2023 — also known as “2020 Part IV: Live Free of Die Random” is off to a great start, as America faces a threat it hasn’t seen1 since World War II: giant balloons.
I’m guessing you’re aware of this, but on February 2nd, the Department of Defense issued a statement saying they had been tracking a balloon, believed to be a Chinese spy balloon, for nearly a week as it traversed a path over the Aleutian Islands and then across most of the continental United States from Montana through South Carolina, where it was shot down by an F-22 over the coast. Since then the military has shot down three more unknown floaty things; one over Alaska, one over Canada, and one over Lake Michigan.
A lot remains unknown about these airships, and the novelty of the issue has people scratching their heads. As a certified balloon expert2 myself, I took it upon myself to offer some solutions:
The most obvious solution: build a giant dome over North America. Eventually, the goal would be a Wakanda-style energy barrier, but for now, a giant version of the dome from the 1996 documentary Bio-Dome would suffice.
Set up a giant set of power lines across our northern border and western coastline.
Finish getting rid of all this pesky helium we have laying around. No helium, no balloons. No problem.
Ignore the balloon altogether. It’s just looking for attention.
Darts. Initially, this would probably involved a lot of strategically placed monkeys with individual darts, but over time we would upgrade these defenses to include things like tack shooters, bomb towers, and — depending on the pace of scientific change — super monkeys.
Spend $1.7 Trillion and a couple of decades to create a weapons system specifically designed to fly around shooting stuff you don’t want hanging out nearby. Sure, you will have to overcome some problems, like the fact that it might cause pilots to black out, flying it fast might make the paint peel off, you might not be able to fly it in the rain, and firing its guns might break the plane, but assuming you can work all that out, you’ll have the perfect tool to possibly shoot down a big floaty thing that is barely moving.
Promise each spy balloon to a really excited child. Experience says that’s exactly when the balloon either pops or floats away.
Put Elon Musk in charge of keeping the balloons afloat.
Just let the old guy float away peace. He’s not hurting anybody. His wife Ellie died a couple of years ago, and he CLEARLY has no one else in his life. If he makes it to Paradise Falls, good for him. If he crashes into the ocean, so be it.
Lasers? I feel like lasers should be helpful here.
Recruit the balloon as a double-agent by showing it all the cool stuff balloons in the Capitalist West get to do. Our giant balloons get to hang out over football games and hoist stunt men for insane and relatively pointless stunts. But mostly, our balloons are free to express themselves and to live out their dreams. Doesn’t that sound great, balloon?
Put a Snapchat filter over the entire United States. The Chinese government will have to think twice about attacking a country composed of nothing but human-animal hybrids who are either freakishly jacked or freakishly fat or skinny.
Redirect the balloons over Florida. The Chinese government will have to think twice about attacking a country composed of nothing but human-animal hybrids who are either freakishly jacked or freakishly fat or skinny.
Pour millions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere over the course of several decades in an effort to raise mean surface temperatures and overal energy, drastically increasing the number of large storms and decreasing the predictability of atmospheric conditions, making it more difficult to accurately predict the trajectory of uncontrolled balloons and direct them on a useful path.
Put a bounty on the things. It doesn’t even have to be a big bounty. Americas own 393 million guns. It’s a balloon. $200 oughta do it.
Ask the aliens for help.
Keep watching the skies, because they’re watching you back.
Assuming you don’t count the alternate universe timeline presented by Red Alert 2.
Certification pending.