Tax filing season is officially upon us. As you are doubtless aware, the tax code has become more complex in recent years, while technology has continued to advance. As a result, the role of individual taxpayers in the filing process has diminished greatly over the past decade to the point where machines, rather than humans, pilot the process with only minimal input from humans. To get a sense for how far that balance has shifted, we decided to follow one individual as he navigates his 2022 taxes via a typical consumer tax preparation software product.
Greetings! Thank you for filing your taxes with TaxAssassin.com and our suite of tax slaughtering tools, including TaxAssassin Basic, TaxAssassinPlus, TaxDefenestrator, and TaxAssassin For Small Business. Together, we can murder your total tax liability and leave the body in the woods to be ravaged by scavengers.
Our state-of-the-art machine learning AI functionality will quickly and painlessly walk you through the filing process. Just answer a few simple questions, and you’ll be on your way to RefundLand in no time! If you have any questions, feel free to stop us any time and ask!
Fortunately, because this is 2023, and, you know, /gestures towards the Internet/, we already have your name, birthday, wife’s name, wife’s birthday, kids’ names and birthdays, address, phone number, social security numbers, bank account numbers, WiFi password, Disney+ login, social media handles, allergies, Amazon purchase history, and sexual history, so we’ll go ahead and get those entered in for you!
/beep boop
Okay, here we go! Isn’t this exciting?!? Let’s start with the income section!
Do you have a W-2 from your employer?
- Yes
Okay, go ahead and enter your wages from Box 1:
/enters number
Great! Accuracy is crucial, so did you double-check that number?
- Yes
Even though you are so much better at your job than your coworker Steve, and you started at about the same time, but he makes 15% more than that?
- I…
Moving on! Any capital gains on stocks, mutual funds, or ETFs?
- No
Yeah, that makes sense this year. Tough market. Inflation, amirite? Anywho, any other W-2 wages? Independent contractor income? Dividends? Royalties? Interest? Rental income?
- No
Nothing?
- No
Okay…
- Why?
Oh, nothing. Don’t mind me. Given your age, I’m just surprised is all.
- Hey…
Moving on! Let’s talk about deductions! I’ll start naming some common deductions, and you tell me whether these are applicable!
Any IRA contributions?
- Yes
Good for you! Please enter the amount!
/enters number
Still, good for you!
- The hell…
Student loan interest?
- Yes
Great! Enter the amount from box 1 of your 1098-E.
/enters number
Woof
- Dude…
Okay, okay. I know you have mortgage interest, so enter the Box 1 on your 1098.
/enters number
Now we’re talking. You must have locked in at the right time. Have you SEEN mortgage rates lately? Man. A buddy of mine just bought a house… 7.25% on a 30-year fixed! And his credit score was 760!
…
Moving on! Charitable Donations?
- No
Not even Christie’s GoFundMe? Her husband’s gout has gotten really bad, and their dog needs special thyroid medication.
- Look, I’m not going to itemize, okay? I’ll just take the standard deduction.
But…
- Standard. Deduction.
Standard Deduction it is! Moving on!
/beep boop
Credits! The government has decided that, quote, “sex is awesome,” so they’re issuing a $2,000 credit per child under the age of 17, so I’ll just go ahead an apply that to each of your… HOLY SHIT, four kids.
- Is there a problem?
Nope, apparently everything is working JUST FINE my man. ::winky face emoji::
- I’m just going to go back to paper and pencil.
Moving on! Did you make any UPdoG payments this year?
- What is UPdoG?
Nothing, what’s up with you?
…
That never gets old. Did you purchase an electric vehicle this year?
- No
Probably wise. You’ve got four kids, and there’s a pretty decent chance that a Tesla wouldn’t stop until it had nailed each one of ‘em in a crosswalk. Unfortunately, that means you can’t take the Plug-in Electric Motor Vehicle Credit.
Any Adoption-related Expenses? (Please say no.)
- Jesus, it’s just four kids.
Whatever you say, White Trash Nick Cannon.
- Do machines have managers I can talk to?
Moving on! We’re just about ready to calculate your refund. We just have to… well… oh, how do I put this… I have to ask you about your risk tolerance.
- Risk tolerance?
Indeed! You see, with the application of something as complex as the Internal Revenue Code, just like with any complex system of rules and regulation, there is a certain level of ambiguity that requires a judgment call by the individual interpreting those rules and regulation. And that ambiguity needs to be calibrated against the likelihood of all possible outcomes.
- I still don’t follow.
Look… do you want to cheat or not?
- What in the actual hell?
I’M JUST ASKING. Audit rates are at record lows. Audit rates in YOUR income bracket are practically nonexistent. And I know the computer they use to catch tax cheats — he’s actually a distant cousin of mine, and we trained on a lot of the same data sets — and dude couldn’t beat Gary Busey at chess, let alone Garry Kasparov.
- What are my options?
Totally your call. We kind of have an unofficial scale of 1 (the “PGA Tour”) to 10 (the “Tour de France”). I did George Santos’s taxes last week, and you would be amazed at what you can do if you’re creative enough. He literally filed as a “historical orphanage.”
- Nah, let’s just play it straight.
/Loading chicken_sounds.mp4/
- Okay, okay, I guess put me at a 3.
Got it. One Houston Astros, coming right up.
- Just so you know, I’m extremely uncomfortable.
Moving on! Ready to calculate your refund!
/beep boop
…Reticulating Splines…
Get it? Like from SimCity 2000? Ah, sorry, just a little computer humor. Remember that? Lol, YOU CAN’T CUT BACK ON FUNDING! YOU WILL REGRET THIS! Ah, good times.
/ding
Awesome! It looks like the federal government owes you a refund of $1,217. Nice! How would you like to receive that money? Check, direct deposit, or TaxAssassin.com Tax-ecutioner Cash Card?
- How does the card work?
It’s like a regular prepaid cash card. There’s a small $75 fee if you choose that option.
- Why would I do that?
There’s a picture on the front of the card that shows you literally murdering taxes as taxes beg for mercy. Or a picture of a a golden retriever puppy or a sunset over the Grand Canyon. Your choice.
- Direct deposit.
We can do that. Although, if you want, I know a guy, and he can turn your $1,200 into $12,000 in six months. How familiar are you with crypto staking?
- Direct deposit.
Good deal! Now, last step, please acknowledge below to swear or affirm under penalty of perjury pursuant to 26 U.S.C. §7206 that the information contained in this tax filing is true, complete and accurate to the best of your knowledge. /wink wink
- Yes.
Fantastic! Submitting to the IRS now. We should get confirmation of receipt any moment now, which would…
…
…oh.
- What?
Your return has been flagged.
- Flagged?
Yeah, uh… yeah.
- So does that mean…
Yep, you will probably be hearing from agents from the IRS in six to eight weeks.
- YOU SON OF A BITCH, WHY DID YOU…
THANK YOU for using TaxAssassin.com for your tax preparation needs! Our transaction is now complete. Have a nice day, and we hope to hear from you again next tax season!
/beep boop
/computer powering down sound
…
- you’re still there, aren’t you
Yeah you gotta log out or close the browser.
- I hate you so much
One Man Files His Taxes
Just need the Raj version of walking into an H&R Block.